The thing that scares me the most about going back to college is the possibility of my younger versions showing up. Let me explain, my track record with school hasn’t always been great. I grew up in a rough environment and it translated into my educational journey.
Even as an adult I can still feel the after effects of not having a great educational experience from elementary through high school. This overshadowed my first attempt at college and I was happy to leave.
I had other personal obligations at the time that required my attention, so me leaving actually was the right thing to do.
However even if you took away the personal obligations I still can’t say that I regret leaving, because I don’t. That version of myself was not prepared and ready for college.
But now here I am going back and I am a different person. This version of me can’t even relate to the person I was during my first attempt at college.
And yet still, even with the experience, the wisdom, the knowledge that I now have there’s still this underlying fear in me that once I start classes I won’t show up as who I am instead I’ll show up as who I was – and forget everything that it takes to become a great student
Perhaps this might be silly to look back on in a couple years but I think this fear goes with the territory of having a bad educational experience your whole entire life up till now and then having to find out for yourself what it means to be a student.
What it means to be disciplined.
What it means to actually have a safe environment to become a student.
These feelings are valid and have depth.
Who I am now has never been in an educational setting, however the younger versions of me have been.
The Three Versions of Myself Against The Version Of Me Now
The young version of myself who had to survive a traumatic childhood, the teenage unguided version of myself, and the version of myself that went to college because that’s what was wanted at the time even though wasn’t prepared for it.
The version of me now is disciplined, understands what it means to build a system, to study, and to compound efforts. These skills were not a thing during my educational journey.
I know I am not alone in this, nor alone in this space of fear and anxiety.
There are so many individuals who had crappy upbringings that spilled over into their educational journey, so much so, they wouldn’t dare set foot onto a campus unless they were absolutely forced to.
And for the ones that are willing to step foot back on a school ground, know deep down there is unfinished business with their educational journey outside of their self studies, amdist the fear.
So Why Am I Pushing Past This Fear and Restarting My Educational Journey?
Because of the said unfinished business and now even the timing is right. The personal obligations that I had during my previous stint are no longer a deciding factor and I always valued the process of learning.
Most of what I know has been from self learning. I am an autodidactic learner.
This is how I taught myself how to become an investor, how to build websites, write books, learn new skills, healthy eating habits, build systems and more.
The version of who I am now and the fact the timing is right to go back to school, it just makes sense that it is time to lean into this equation of my life.
Even during my time out of school I would read books authored by students, and watch their daily routines on YouTube. I even collaborated and published a book on how to become a better student back in 2018 and it still sells some copies every year.
The last couple years I spent time building my own second brain using notion, more on that in another blog post, and mindset about becoming a student and when the last personal obligation began to near the end I applied to school last fall for the upcoming spring quarter.
So even though I have this fear of my unprepared version of myself showing up, the desire to attend college once more and become the student I know I can be is burning which overtakes the fear of going back.
The Broke College Student 
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