I am graduating college soon, Community College, and I got into the University of Washington, a place I never thought I could step foot on, let alone be a part of. I’m about to take a law class under a Harvard graduate who is now an associate professor on my campus. And I have a group of friends who I grew up with, who are younger than me (let’s just say they are the reason I had a childhood at times). We grew up in an environment where people said we weren’t capable of such things. Some of us would get in trouble, some of us had our phases of being in and out of trouble with certain groups.
Today, we’re texting about meeting up for a barbecue, and the conversation reminded me of how many people feel like they can’t change their environment. They think their behavior is a direct reflection of their future. When you’re in an environment where violence and verbal beatdowns are the majority, or when you’re in a home that’s not safe, it feels like that is your world. It’s all you know.
And when you’re vulnerable, as a child and a teenager, you believe that your environment, your world inside the home, is the reflection of the entire world. But I think it’s important to remind people that your world inside a home is not the reflection of the entire world out there.
Yes, you’ll meet some people who might reflect parts of your home environment, but that doesn’t mean they represent the majority. There are plenty of people who would never dare to hurt someone or hold them back. There are people who will believe in you when no one else does.
It’s crucial to find your tribe, to believe in yourself when no one else does, and to seek out those little moments of hope. Find the people who believe in you, hold onto them tight, and understand that there’s a difference between those who believe in you and those who are good for you.
For example, when I’d pass by the University of Washington Tacoma campus, back in 2014, I used to think that was a whole different pay grade in the academic world, a different world than mine. I thought, Wow, these people actually belong there, they come from environments that allow them to go there. That’s not my environment. I can never go there. But now, here I am, a student at UW Tacoma. It doesn’t feel so untouchable anymore. It doesn’t feel impossible. If anything, it feels easier than I expected, though that doesn’t mean I didn’t work for it.
And that’s the point. These worlds we see from the outside often feel much heavier because of what we’ve been through. They don’t reflect the actual process it takes to get in. Sure, places like Harvard are tough to get into, but don’t think that just because of your background, you can’t get into a place like that.
Yes, there’s a standard to meet, and you need to stand out. But don’t let your past define you. They want people who take initiative. They want people who have already shown they can take charge before even applying. Whether it’s someone who’s written books, started a nonprofit, or shown ambition in other ways, they want to see you’ve got that spark.
And let’s be real, they want the bragging rights too. They get to say they produced someone like you, and you get to say you went there. It’s not all about your past, it’s about what you bring to the table. It’s about your journey, your grit, and your belief in yourself.
Overcoming Your Environment, The Psychology Behind It
When you grow up in an environment where you feel stuck, it’s easy to think that’s just how life is. But the truth is, resilience can help you push through. Resilience is the ability to bounce back from tough times. Psychologists say that when things go wrong, it’s important to stay strong and not give up. For many of us, it’s hard to see how we can overcome the obstacles in front of us when everything seems stacked against us. But with resilience, we find a way through.
There’s also something called self-efficacy, it’s the belief in your own ability to achieve goals. When you’re told you can’t make it, or that your background doesn’t give you a shot, it’s easy to lose sight of what you’re capable of. But learning to believe in yourself, your ability to succeed even when others doubt you, is a game changer. Even when it feels impossible, self-efficacy is what keeps you going and helps you keep moving forward.
Psychology shows that people who can see beyond their circumstances are often the ones who succeed. It’s not about having an easy start, it’s about believing that you can shape your future, no matter what you’ve been through. Cognitive reframing is a technique where you change the way you see a situation. For example, instead of thinking, “I can’t get out of this,” you start thinking, “I can find a way through this, and this doesn’t define me.” The change in mindset is powerful. It’s about seeing challenges as opportunities instead of barriers.
The Complexity of Attachment, Why We Hold on to the Unhealthy but Secure Bonds
Attachment theory is all about the relationships we form early in life with our caregivers, these bonds shape the way we see the world and interact with people. When we’re young, we need a “secure base,” someone who makes us feel safe and loved, someone we can trust to be there for us. But what happens when that secure base is absent? Or worse, what if the people we’re supposed to trust are the ones who let us down or even hurt us?
For many of us, especially those growing up in tough neighborhoods or unstable homes, the people around us become our attachment figures. These people are supposed to give us the emotional support and stability we need. But when that’s missing from family, we might find that same feeling of security in other places, sometimes in the streets, or with people who might not have our best interests at heart.
Psychologist John Bowlby, who created attachment theory in the 1950s, talked about how our early experiences with caregivers form the foundation of how we connect with others throughout life. If our caregivers were inconsistent or unavailable, we might develop insecure attachment, we may struggle to trust others or feel like we always have to fight to hold onto relationships. But, and this is key, attachment can still happen later in life. Even if we didn’t have a secure attachment growing up, we can find it in other people or places.
In environments where survival and loyalty are key, like in certain neighborhoods where people turn to the streets for security, relationships can form out of necessity. The streets can sometimes feel safer than homes, because those relationships give us the security we need. They meet the need for attachment, even if those people aren’t necessarily good for us.
The irony is that even though the environment may be toxic, the people in it might be the only ones who seem to care, and that care feels comforting. It becomes a strange kind of security, even though we know deep down that these relationships can hold us back from moving forward.
Rob Peace, A Story of Attachment and Struggle
The story of Rob Peace, a young man who came from a difficult environment and attended Yale University, highlights the complexity of attachment and how it can shape a person’s future. Rob Peace grew up in a violent neighborhood and was raised by a single mother.
Despite these challenges, he was able to succeed academically and was accepted into Yale. But as he navigated his time at Yale, he faced an internal struggle between his upbringing and the new world he was entering. His attachments to his family and community kept pulling him back to his past.
Rob’s story is a powerful example of how someone who rises from a tough environment may struggle with reconciling their old attachments with the new opportunities ahead of them. The people who loved him in his neighborhood weren’t necessarily the ones who could help him move forward.
They loved him, but their lifestyle was not conducive to his personal growth. Rob’s case shows that even when we work hard to better ourselves, the attachments we have to people and places that are no longer good for us can still hold us back.
Unfortunately for Rob, the attachment to his past ended up costing him his life.
Breaking Free from Insecure Attachments, The Challenge of Letting Go
When you’ve been in an environment where the people around you offer some form of attachment, even if they aren’t healthy for you, it becomes hard to leave. The idea of being alone, without that sense of connection, feels scarier than staying in a toxic relationship. For many, it’s easier to stay in the circle of people who “care,” even if they’re the ones pulling us back into bad habits or cycles.
This is where insecure attachment plays a big role. It’s not just about the people, it’s about how we feel about ourselves when we’re around them. When you grow up in a place where love and attention were scarce, and the people around you offered some version of it, even if it wasn’t the best, it feels almost impossible to leave that attachment. These people might have been the ones to protect you, to give you a sense of belonging, even if their actions were harmful.
It’s not easy to walk away from people who feel like they’re your family, even when you know deep down that they aren’t good for you. Your brain starts to associate attachment with familiarity, and familiarity feels like safety, even if it’s toxic. This is where cognitive dissonance comes in, where your mind is conflicted between knowing that something isn’t good for you but still feeling like you need it. Your heart says “stay,” but your head says “go.”
The Path to Healing, Rebuilding Attachment with Healthy People
Here’s the good news, just because we’ve formed attachment to unhealthy people or environments doesn’t mean we’re stuck. Attachment theory also gives us hope in the form of earned secure attachment. Even if we didn’t have a secure base in childhood, we can still form healthy, trusting relationships later in life. The key is to find the right people, people who are good for us and help us grow.
Forming a secure attachment as an adult is possible, but it requires us to build new relationships based on trust, respect, and support. It means surrounding ourselves with people who believe in us and want the best for us, people who won’t just be there for the good times, but who will help us through the hard ones too. This is the kind of attachment that helps us grow into the person we’re meant to be.
You don’t have to keep holding on to toxic relationships just because they give you a sense of security. When you let go of unhealthy attachments, you make space for healthier ones. And yes, that’s tough. It’s hard to walk away from what feels safe, even if you know it’s not good for you. But true growth comes when we surround ourselves with the right people, people who see our potential, not just our past.
Just Because You Come From a Certain Background Doesn’t Mean That’s All You Have to Offer
And just because you come from a certain neighborhood or background doesn’t mean that’s all you have to offer. You are not the crack house down the block or the problematic person everyone talks about. You are not defined by where you come from, or the mistakes you’ve made because of the environment you grew up in. Let’s be real, a lot of times, it’s not your fault. You didn’t choose the family or the environment you were born into. You didn’t choose the cards you were dealt.
But here’s the thing, when you grow up in an environment where certain behaviors are normalized, you don’t always know they’re wrong. If you’re surrounded by anger, violence, and unhealthy habits, it becomes hard to see outside of that. Your reactions, your behavior, sometimes they come from a place of hurt, from being angry and not knowing why. You’re mimicking what you see because that’s your world, and you’re just doing what you think you need to do to survive.
But let me be clear, You are not the sum of your past or your environment by default. The mistakes or situations in your life don’t disqualify you from where you want to go. Growing up in a tough environment, facing violence, hate, racism, cops, or drugs, does not mean your dreams are off-limits. I know because I’ve been there, and I’ve made it to the other side.
Growing up, I had this dream, one that felt so far out of reach. I would watch these movies from the ’80s and ’90s, where families woke up in these nice homes. They had a fancy breakfast, orange juice, bacon, eggs, pancakes, fruit, and milk. Then, the parents would head to work in their fancy cars. I watched it and thought, That’s what I want. That’s what I dream of, a life of financial security, one that’s stable and grounded.
And it felt like a fantasy, so far out of reach, because that was not the world I knew. My world was full of violence. There were cops always coming around, there was drinking, and drugs, in the basement of the home I grew up in, and a whole lot of chaos. That made places like the University of Washington feel so far away. It felt like the people in those places were from a different world, a world I could never touch.
The first time I dreamed about having something even close to that, I thought my best shot was just becoming an Administrative Assistant, a job that seemed like the peak of success for someone coming from where I was. It wasn’t about ambition.
It was about survival and thinking, That’s all I can ever be. In my world, those jobs, being an assistant or secretary, were the gold standard of success. It was like, if you made it out, that was the best you could hope for. You’d made it “to a certain level.” But honestly, that dream, at the time, felt small. It wasn’t about thriving, it was just about escaping.
Conclusion, Your Background Doesn’t Define Your Future
You can go wherever you want, do whatever you want, and build a future you never thought was possible. Your past is not your future. Just because you came from a certain environment doesn’t mean you are stuck there. You are not defined by your background or by the mistakes you made. You are not limited by what you’ve been through.
Your story is still being written. It’s not over yet. And I hope this article reminds you that you have the power to change your narrative. You are not what others say you are. You are what you choose to become. No matter where you come from, you belong at the table.
Also, as for the friends that I keep in touch with, we check in once a year or so with a BBQ to see how everyone is doing. We all made it out of our troublesome ways… and every single one of us was doubted. Not all my friends or the people I associated with were fortunate. Some are locked up for life, others murdered, and others I have cut ties with.
This only means when I walk up the purple steps of the University of Washington in my town of Tacoma, I am not lost upon what this means, not only to me, but for those like me.
The Broke College Student 
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